S01 - E19 - Svetlana - Death and funerals in the UK

Hey, in today's episode Rich speaks again with his student Svetlana. They talk about death and funerals in the UK. Don't worry it's not as depressing as it sounds!

S01 - E19 - Svetlana - Death and funerals in the UK

Full intermediate level ESL podcast transcript

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Svetlana: Hi Richard. 

Rich: How are you?

Svetlana: I’m okay and how are you? 

Rich: Very good too. Welcome back. So, today we've got an interesting episode, but it's not as happy as our last one, right? 

Svetlana: Yes. 

Rich: Yeah. We're going to be talking about death and funeral practices and how to act when somebody dies in the UK. 

Note: Funeral - noun - a ceremony or service held shortly after a person's death, usually including the person's burial or cremation.

Svetlana: Okay, I have a first question. What do you take to a funeral?

Rich: Well, that's a great question. You should always find out what you need to take before a funeral. Sometimes the family will request special things or request that you don't do certain things as well. So, the first thing that's always great for you to bring are some tissues. Tissues are great because if you're crying, you're going to want to be able to wipe away your tears or to even give them to someone else who may be crying as well. So, tissues are a great thing to take at a funeral because you can start crying at any moment and it's always useful or handy to have them with you.

(Above: Pictured Tissues) 

Rich: Flowers - best to find out from the family first. So, sometimes you can bring flowers,  sometimes not.  If you're not allowed to bring them, the family should tell you beforehand. But I would definitely check with family. It's also very common to make a charitable donation before the funeral, or even at a funeral. So, quite commonly families will choose a charity for people who attend the funeral to donate to. 

Svetlana: Yeah, actually can I disturb you a little bit? 

Rich:  Sure… 

Svetlana: ….about flowers because in Russia, we have a really funny tradition as that you can present even flowers on (at a ) funeral. And not even flowers on (in) other cases. For example, you can present a two, four, six flowers for a funeral, but for other cases, you need to use three, five. Or like not an even count of flowers. 

Rich: So, sorry...funerals (Clears throat) Sorry. So, at funerals you use less flowers,  or more? 

Svetlana: Not less, or more. It depends on the count of flowers.

Rich: Yeah… 

Svetlana: So, in funeral it should be two, four, six, eight, and ten and other.  

Rich: Right… 

Svetlana: But, for different cases, you should give three, five. 

Rich: Ah, okay. So, yeah numbers like four…. No , two, four, six, eight. Those are called even numbers and then numbers, which are like three, five, seven, nine. Those are called odd numbers. 

Svetlana: Odd numbers…. 

Above pictured: Odd and Even Numbers. 

Rich: So, you have, yeah. Even and odd. Even and odd. So, that’s quite interesting. That's a superstition, right? 

Svetlana: Yes… 

Rich: Very interesting. Yeah, there's a few other things that you need to bring to a British funeral and I'll just get through those very quickly for you. 

Svetlana: Mhmm..

Rich: So, you also might want to prepare a few stories about the person who is deceased or dead or has passed away, which would be the more polite version to say that they have passed away. People in funerals here love to share stories and to talk about the person who has died. I know that's not the same in every culture because in some cultures they don't like to talk about the person very much, but in the UK, it's very common to talk about them. To share a few memories. The weather in the UK is very unpredictable. So, I also recommend that you bring some sunglasses and an umbrella depending on the weather. You might need them if you're outside and there's a lot of sun, or you might need an umbrella if it starts to rain. I would also recommend that you bring an umbrella that is small enough that you can hide it if you don't need it. Make sure that your umbrella is also black as well. That's important. 

Rich: Because if you...yeah...if you have like an orange umbrella at a black funeral, it's not good. So, those are the most essential items I think, to take to a funeral here. 

Svetlana: I guess that sunglasses also should be black.  

Rich: Sunglasses should also be black too. Yes. So, generally, here people wear black at funerals. Although it's more common now for young people, especially at their funerals to have some type of color. So, not all black. So, I went to a friend's funeral once...he died very young... in his early twenties and everybody there wore an orange tie or something orange in his memory. So, I think some people think black is very depressing quite often. You'll see now some type of color at the funeral, but not every time.

Svetlana: I actually...I heard that the black color can help you to connect with changes in your life. Not only connect, I forget the words, how to say that...I...something...I started to get used to something. 

Rich: Yeah. Maybe to process it, to work through a problem. That's interesting. So, it has like an emotional... there's an emotional quality to the color black.

Svetlana: Yes. Yes. I heard that. 

Rich: It seems strange because black is the color, right? It is the color, not just in one place. Seems like many different cultures or come to the conclusion that black is the color for death. I know there are exceptions. But, yeah, it's interesting. It maybe...maybe there is something to the color itself. 

Svetlana: What do you usually need to say at the funeral? 

Rich: Well, that's a great question because I think many people when they go to funerals in other countries, don't really know what to say and don't know how to express themselves. So, I've got a few phrases here that you can use in a funeral in the UK, probably in America too. That will help you in this type of situation. The first one you can say is just very simply -  I'm so sorry for your loss. This is just a simple way for you to express sympathy to the person who has died. The second one is they were a wonderful person and will be sorely missed. So, I just want to point out what sorely means. So, this is an adverb and it just means painfully. So, painfully missed.  Sorely missed. Next, we have you and your family or in my thoughts and prayers, this one is particularly good, if the person is religious and you want to show that they are with you in your prayers. I'm here if you need anything, this is very reassuring. People will often need a lot of help after the funeral emotionally, or even practically. Finally, we have two similar ways to express sympathy, and that is just to say my deepest sympathies...my deepest sympathies or my deepest condolences. You can normally follow that up with something like my deepest sympathies at what must be a very difficult time for you. It's a great thing to say to the friends and family and other people that you might see at the funeral.

Svetlana: Mhmm..

Rich: So, these are just a few ideas of what to say, but I think it's a great idea to use them because if you just say something like “Oh, I'm sorry”. It's maybe not enough. People like to hear you use the formal ways of expressing sympathy at a funeral here. 

Svetlana: I got it. But I have a question about sorely, a word. 

Rich: Sorely yes.

Svetlana: Can I use this word in another context? 

Rich: Oh, of course you could use the adjective even, which would be sore, So, you could say yesterday I fell out of bed, and now my head is sore, for example. 

Vocab: Sore - Anything painful hurts a lot — either physically or emotionally. Your sprained ankle may be painful, but so is your broken heart

Svetlana: Mhmm… 

Rich: To be sore. Or, well you could say that your hand is hurting solely. For example, if you cut it, let's imagine you cut it with a knife. You could say my hand hurts solely. Painfully. 

Svetlana: Yeah, I have one more question….

Rich: Sure.. 

Svetlana: ...and you actually, you said that it's really common to make some donation at a funeral, but how much do I need to donate at the funeral? 

Rich: That's a great question. First, I would say that if you don't have any money. Don't worry about it. Nobody is going to say anything, if you just simply don't have the money to donate. But I would say that the average donation is between 5 and 10 pounds. You can donate more, but generally only those who have more will donate more than this amount. 

Svetlana: That’s actually quite interesting because we don't have this tradition in my country.

Rich:  Yeah. 

Svetlana: Hey, you can help out with money if you want, or if you have some additional money…

Rich: Yeah… 

Svetlana: …but it's not common and it's not necessary. Just your wish for different cases. 

Rich: Yeah. It's very common here. I think it is actually a nice way to help people who need it now, even though that the person has died. Right. So, it's a nice way of affecting the people who are still alive in this person's memory. 

Svetlana: And I have one more question for you. 

Rich: Sure… 

Svetlana: What happens after a funeral? 

Rich: What happens after the funeral? So…

Svetlana: Yes…

Rich: In the UK, normally people will be either buried or cremated. Cremated means well burned basically, right? 

Vocab: Cremated - dispose of (a dead person's body) by burning it to ashes, typically after a funeral ceremony.

Rich: It's not a very nice thing, but that's what happens after that people will go to a wake. 

Vocab: Wake - A wake is a social gathering associated with death, usually held before a funeral. Traditionally, a wake takes place in the house of the deceased with the body present; however, modern wakes are often performed at a funeral home or another convenient location.

Rich: Normally, the wake is in a pub and people will drink. And they'll talk about the future. They'll talk about the past and everything in between. And that's normally what happens at the end. So, it's quite common for people to have at least a few drinks in the UK. It's not uncommon for people to drink all nights and to drink a lot. So, it depends on the person and the family, of course, but some people like to drink a lot of funerals here. Yeah. 

Svetlana: Yes, I can understand it. 

Rich: Okay. So, actually there are some other things I wanted to talk about very quickly that I have that happen in the UK on this topic. So, the first one is to mention that in the UK, traditionally, a death will be announced in the newspaper. So, the family will buy a small advertisement in the back of the paper called the obituary section and they will pay for an obituary notice. So, this way other people in the local city can find out who has died. So, people will buy a newspaper and check the back of the newspaper. Checking the names to see if anyone they know has died and then they'll go, ‘Oh, John has died, I didn't realize’. And they'll find out when the funeral is, and this is how people find out about other people dying in the UK. 

Pictured above: An obituary in the newspaper.

Svetlana: Is it still popular to do like this?

Rich: It's still popular...Yeah. 

Svetlana: Because the spirits are strange. I think the newspaper is not a common thing that you will buy. 

Rich: Well, people keep them as well. That's the thing. They will keep the obituary notice in the newspaper, off their family member. So, yeah, it's still a very popular thing to do. I think even though newspapers are not as popular anymore in the UK, this practice is still something people like to do. There's one final thing I wanted to talk about and that's something a little bit strange that's happening in the modern world. And that is the idea that some people now want eco-friendly funerals. 

Svetlana: Mhmm.. 

Rich: So, it's very common actually in the UK now for people to donate their body to a tree or something. So, they will be put in like a cardboard box, something that breaks down and doesn't affect the environment and they will plant a tree above them. So, the tree can use them for nutrients, for food to grow. So, they literally live on. And continue a second life in this tree. What do you think about this idea? Would you like to try this? 

Svetlana: It's quite interesting…

Rich: ...to become a tree. 

Svetlana: Yes. Yes. Why? Why not?

Rich: Yeah. I quite… out of the options. I like this one the best personally. So, if I die listeners, please put me under a tree somewhere. I think I would like to be a tree in the next life. 

Svetlana: That's quite really interesting because actually in Russia, I met some notifications ??? 13.41 that don't funeral your animals in the forest.  

Rich: Don't bury, sorry. Don't bury them in the forest. 

Vocab: Bury - to put in the ground and cover with earth. 

Svetlana: Okay...in the forest because it's really bad for forest, but…

Rich: Oh, it depends. I think I don't think it's bad for the forest. Right..? It’s food. Surely...

Svetlana: Yeah. I’m not sure… 

Rich: I don't know. Anyway, before we start talking about dead dogs and ruin the whole episode, I think we should finish. So, thank you so much for joining me today. It's been a great episode. I know it's not the happiest episode and the happiest topic, but hopefully you guys know how to better deal with these types of situations when you're in the UK now. So, thanks Svetlana and I'll see you again. Okay. 

Svetlana: Okay. Thank you. Bye. 

Rich: Take care now, bye.

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